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Why is love so hard?

I just wish I knew who my future boyfriend is already. I don’t want to deal with all this dating or getting to know each other. It’s nice but I really hate it because either the guy becomes clingy or they don’t want to be serious. Really? Why waste my time?

Then there’s the aspect if the relationship will last. I see all these relationships who have made it all these months and years and I’m over here like “I like pizza”. I just want a fun stable relationship. I just want to be fucking happy.

Third. There’s the feelings for exs. I hate it. Why do our brains do this. I understand remembering the good times but I don’t want to remember the bad times too. I just want to forget everything because I can’t be with them. Once I start to remember, feelings come back and I’m like “oh god I miss you”. The fuck? Most of my exs have girls and I’m here all alone. I just don’t want to have feelings for someone that doesn’t even find me attractive anymore. I want to get rid of my feelings.

Lastly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’m a pretty smart girl with goals. I don’t cheat. I really enjoy sex and I’m extremely kinky (frequently I might add). I have a great personality. I have a lot of patience especially when I love you. The only thing “wrong” with me is how I look. I’m decent/average looking and I guess I’m kinda chubby but I’m still cute I guess. I have a nice smile if that helps.

Why I hate feelings:
• I don’t know who’s going to be a good stable boyfriend
• I want someone to stick with me through the thick and thin
• Why the hell am I thinking about someone that doesn’t want me anymore?
• I’m an entertaining, bright, loyal, horny girl

Feelings, emotions, and love suck ass!

Hopeless hope

Our past blocks me from being from him
I still remember everything
I mean
I want to start over
With him. :)
He’s drawing me in
With those eyes
That smile
Oh my god
But something is holding me back
For the longest time I didn’t know why
Why I couldn’t get that certain feeling
Butterflies soaring in my tummy
Maybe we’re supposed to be friends?
No friend looks THAT good
While making me THAT happy
I want to be with you
But I can’t get that feeling
Well not all the way
Then I realize what it is
Hope that our past will come back alive
Hope that our feelings will be the same
At the same time too
Hope our goodbye was temporary
But I know for a fact
A damn fact
That we’re over
Done with
Never bloom again
I have accepted it’s over
You’re happy
She’s happy
I’m happy
We’re friends
…I think
But my hope hasn’t died yet
It’s dying though
Just a long painful death
I wish I could put it down like an animal
All it is doing is hurting me
Hurting me and him
I want him to be happy
With me
I want me to be happy
With him
I want me and him
None of us
And that hopeless hope

I’m guilty of worrying too much

So I decided one day to sit down and talk to myself

I’m not crazy for your information

I just asked myself a few questions

To help me not to be anxious

Not to be so upset

Basically not to care

They were simple questions

Will it matter?

They don’t want to be with me

They don’t want to go places with me

They simply dislike me

Does it matter?

I’m not like her, them, and the others

I’m just eccentric

I’m a loner

Why should I care?

That I wasn’t the prettiest

That I wasn’t the smartest

That I wasn’t liked by anyone

When I’m 30

Starting my practice

Married to my one and only

Blessed with a few kids

Living a stable life

Will all these situations matter then?

And the answer is…

No. No. No!

I sit back and smile

I may be going through hell now

But it won’t matter soon

All these misfortunes will just be stories

Stories how I got so strong

I could tell these to my children, patients, new friends

I just have to accept that these bad times

Will just make good stories later

Moral of the story

A bad life is just a good story